“Just because someone doesn’t love you like you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all that they have.”
I should have this written up on index cards and pass them out on the street, because I truly believe that if people developed more tolerance for what others give rather than focusing on whatever is lacking, there would be far less heartache in this world. I read the above quote somewhere and the person who wrote it couldn’t remember where they read it, so it’s unfortunate that I can’t give credit for this fantastic bit of wisdom. I will simply do my part to pass it on here as I think its value is immeasurable.
It’s our wanting energy that creates barriers for our full-fledged embrace of all the love we are given. The moment we decide we want something from another person, everything else they offer becomes irrelevant. We begin to find ways to punish the person for not giving us what it is we want. Stoney silence, rebellious behavior, denial of sex, and neglect of that which we know the other person values are all done in response to not getting something we want from someone else. It’s a sick game. The other person plays their part by trying to give in other ways. The other person gives what they want to give as either a form of rebellion, a lack of understanding what the other person wants, or a genuine inability to provide what is requested.
In the meantime one person ends up feeling like they can’t do anything right, while the other person feels like the other is simply selfish and or an asshole. All the while what each person brings to the other person’s life is completely unappreciated and unacknowledged. This is where so many relationships coast along for years with minor breaks between birthdays and holidays for the exchange of perfunctory gestures of appreciation, until someone has enough and simply wants out.
This happens with lovers and friends, but one place I see this happening that is particularly pervasive is between parents and children. A parent has expectations for a child and the child is under inevitable pressure to meet them, feeling as if no matter what they do, their parent(s) will never provide the support and acceptance they need. The parent on the other hand is resentful because they know what they have sacrificed and given for the upbringing of this child, therefore full loyalty and acceptance should be readily offered without conditions, thus any such restraint in this offering is cause for much hurt and resentment.
Essentially, if both parties were to suspend the wanting energy that demands that the other person give them a certain type of love a certain type of way, they would be able to see that they have indeed been granted all the person has to give, and often times precisely what the person needed even if it wasn’t what they wanted.
So my advice is this: acknowledge what the people in your life do that you are grateful for. Tell them what they bring to your life. Say to someone you love and value that you appreciate who they are and what they do. Let go of wanting to be in control. Let go of wanting the other person to behave a certain way. Let go of wanting the relationship to be easier. Be grateful. Tell them you are grateful. I promise you, all the other person wants is your love, or else they wouldn’t be there. They just want you to love them for who they are. Deep down you know you do, so just say so.