It’s hard to believe in unconditional love. Its hard to believe in it because we crave it so badly. Its difficult to believe that we would ever be deserving of such a thing, but that’s where we fall into trouble. No one “deserves” unconditional love—it’s something that just is.
We all know this to be true. We all have people in our hearts that we love and will always love no matter what they do or where they go. Even if the other person isn’t aware of it, its there. One of the reasons it’s hard for us to give and accept this from others is because we have been programmed to preoccupy our minds with endings. Fear of endings makes us guard against the possibility, or the feelings of misery that may result in the most illogical ways.
The other reason is that life beats us down. Life can be cruel in ways that leaves little room for embracing our inherent value as special and worthy of love as we are. We think we have to “earn” love through proving our worth by making money and or being attractive. We also fear making mistakes, because if we do, we fear the other person may take their love away. This is at the heart of why we are all so quick to assign or deflect blame. We think that we must make sure the other person doesn’t have proof that we are somehow defective, thus unlovable. If we are never at fault for anything, we believe the other person is disarmed from making that argument.
We want to make sure our love is secure in another person. Promises, demands, paranoia, and accusations all present themselves out of our need to make sure that the love we give is reciprocated in a way that will make us feel secure it will never end. Here’s the hard truth: if it can end, it was never love in the first place.
Infatuation and attachment are not love. Infatuation and attachment can end, and we must become better at separating the reality of that from love.
Infatuation and attachment are vanity and ego. Love is just love. Infatuation is reveling in desiring another and being desired in return. Attachment is a panacea for our fear of endings—but it is not love.
Fear is like a haze that covers love’s glow. But it doesn’t just cover love’s glow, it blinds our vision. We can’t see love through it. All we see is what can be filtered through the haze of fear, and the images we get can be very much at odds with reality.
In order to clear that haze, we must accept that we are indeed worthy of love. Not just the type of infatuation that comes from being attractive or the attachment that comes from building security. We must accept that we are lovable simply as we are. That at the core of us there is a light that shines that is distinctly ours. It doesn’t change, and it never dims. The people that love us will always find it—its just our fear that keeps us from seeing them standing there.